Bucket List
by Revantio
Summary: What are you going to do If you found yourself in Narutoverse, with Haemophiliac body? Die, of course. But he would be damned if he didn't have fun while dying. / "I CHALLENGE SHIKAKU-SAMA AND HIS FLAMBOYANTLY YOUTHFUL SON SHIKAMARU-SAMA! TO SHOGI D-D-DUELS!" / SI-OC. Sporadic updates.


As a college student having not much things to do in holidays, his Daily Dose of Internet consist of a lot of videos; be it cats, alphabetics google translate remix, lions eating popsicles, a lot of other things, anything to kill time. So it wasn't really a surprise that at 3 AM, found himself watching a break down of Europe's Royals Family Tree and listed genetic defects born from inbreeding of said Royal family members.

What does it have to do with this fanfic you ask?

An excellent question, as you knew somehow it correlates with this fic.

(_'Cause he's pretty sure he was dumped in a fic, how else would you explain the multiverses of fictional characters if it was not born of other imagination; like-minded individuals as the creator, in other words, fandom and fanfictions?)_

Just as his mind needed distractions, he also thinks a lot; as a loyal citizen of fandoms, his thoughts never stray far from those fandoms.

Like how his best friend could launch on a confused, 2k rant on how Conan's toxin works exactly (_'It doesn't make sense,' _she said, almost fervent, '_the needle MUST hit precisely to the bloodstream up, to the brain, how does Conan make sure of that from the distance, and the thing works in seconds, _seconds_, it would have to have characteristics of plasma brain and water at the same time and it doesn't have any repercussions of any known brain drugs and maybe it could be covered with drug carriers like—'_), even though he wasn't exactly a medical student like her, eventually you pick those up if you have a medical student best friend. So, influenced by her medical jargon, one of his thoughts about Naruto fandom is how is every Clans in Konoha escaped genetic defects born form inbreeding?

If Uchiha's madness who was born out of curse was excluded, all Konoha Clans's members are normal. No madness, no deformed jaw, no haemophilia. Was it working of chakra, this magical energy, so powerful it could render genetic mutation down completely?

But now, as he was getting the answers he had always wondered, he doesn't know what to feel exactly.

Chakra wasn't _that_ miraculous of a thing, as it proved. Genetic defects exists even in mind-boggling, physics-ignoring world like Narutoverse. It's just the show itself never shows that Uchiha (and probably other clans as well) have any genetic defects from inbreeding in form of Haemophilia. He, obviously, never knew either, until now; staring back at the Doctor who looked at him with pity in her eyes while she explained her condition.

Truthfully, he didn't hear a thing.

He woke up, yawned, feeling his body being more of a noodle than it usually is (wondered if he somehow drank too much coffee and has hibernated for 20 hours again), but then he looked out at the window, to the sight of four Hokage heads obviously in Narutoverse and thinks, _wow what a really realistic painting_. What was not realistic however how the curtain flew in and out in a window following gentle, cool breeze hitting his face. And so he thinks again, _Wow, whoever rich weeb managed to buy that bigass bilboard just to show off his Narutoweebness_?

And then a Doctor had walked in and... well—the thing is, you don't talk to him before at least thirty minutes of him staring into the void and registering his surroundings. It hasn't been thirty minutes yet since he woke up. His brain is still a mush. He didn't answer when the Doctor asked things like 'what's your name?' or 'how do you feel?'. He does however nods for yes and no questions and apparently this Doctor took it as a go and began to explain his conditions.

He realized, after the fifth time this woman said 'Uchiha-san,' it was actually referring to _him_, as no one else is in this white, _hospital_ room. He rubbed his eyes slowly to wake himself up more, and when he opened his eyes he was suddenly aware on how he isn't in his own room. How vivid the Doctor looked and how clear yet gentle her voice is, and how his entire body simply ache; hell his right hand is in stinging pain, as if the act of lifting his hand to rub his eyes earlier burned it. And that pain is a proof enough that it isn't a dream.

Even with his brain in a mush, he had catch a few important words. Like 'rare disease,' and 'bleeding,' and 'incurable' because 'very rare genetic causes,' of which had pinged 'Haemophilia' in his brain, born of his best friend's occasional rambles and YouTube videos on European royals.

The Doctor left, eventually. Not long after that a nurse had come in to refill his IV drip, and bring him food and water. He ate slowly, as much as his nauseous stomach can handle, and finished about a half before he put the food tray away and lay back down.

Maybe if he slept, he would wake up back to his room.

* * *

He didn't wake up back to his room.

Not the day after, and the day after. His—this—body, to his relief, does get better though. A week have passed and he simply accepted that somehow he is inside the Narutoverse, as an Uchiha. He peeked to the village and saw people who he assumed Uchihas (black hair, black eyes, and stupidly orientally pretty construct of a face with an uchiwa symbol somewhere on their clothings), so the Massacre haven't happened. Yet.

On the desk beside his bed was a vase, withered, dry small twigs in what he assumed was former flowers in it and he had thrown them away. Beside the vase was a sketching book, an inside, several drawing pens. Relief flooded through his body to know that whoever it is his body using is also love to draw, something familiar in his world. He had been itching to draw while staying in this hospital, but his body was barely able to be awake, he kept slipping to sleep to probably recover his energy. There was also his forehead protector inside one of the drawers on the table, which surprised him. But of course, Uchihas are all Ninjas, aren't they?

Beneath the forehead protector, folded neatly, he found, is a black kimono. It has black pants and white obi, the inside layer was red and there's an Uchiwa symbol on each layer. It was definitely a more traditional and fancy one, as a Japanese Literature student he can differentiate them and this one is definitely used in a very rare occasions like rituals, and usually used only by nobles. He returned them, folding them back neatly, not liking one but what does it implies.

He went back to his bed to rest while a nurse entered to deliver his breakfast, then cheerfully checked his condition, saying he could leave today after a final check up with Doctor Misaki. Said Doctor came midday and he tried to reply her smile with his own. He thinks he did a good job by how the Doctor Misaki's smile widens.

"How are you today, Uchiha-kun?"

Voice barely a whisper and holding back pain in his throat, he replied with a scratchy throat, "F.. Fine. How about you, Doctor?"

"I'm fine too, thank you for asking. Good, you're getting better and better by the day. Now this is just a little check up to ensure there's no lasting damage to your brain, and you just can go home. You just need to answer my questions as much as you can truthfully, alright Uchiha-kun? You can tell me if you're not up to it or wanting to stop."

He nodded, feeling a bit grumpy because his voicebox is still so painful to use, like he had ben talking for a very very long time.

"State your full name please."

_Oh._

The thing is, he really doesn't know who he is—who's identity this body is. In _isekai_ fanfictions, usually the protagonist got influx of memories from the body, but he had meditated, he even managed to tap his weak _chakra_, meditated some more, managed to differentiate chakra signatures of medical staffs here too, _but_. But he found absolutely nothing. It's empty. He had stood in his mindspace then; in form of his childhood Japanese home, and still he found nothing. Empty slots of memories.

(This is why he wasn't bored for approximately eleven days; he is recovering, but there's only so much one can do sleeping, and then there's a wonder of _chakra_ and they have _tastes_. It was a wonderful week, more or less.)

His only explanation is... whoever it is wasn't here anymore. Now it's just him, and him alone.

The stretching silence must be getting to her, for she leaned in, suddenly a focused woman rather than a friend she showed herself earlier. "Uchiha-kun?"

"...I d-don't know." Paused, and decided to add his cheekiness, "Call me Lord Uchiha, though."

There was silence. Doctor Misaki stared at him carefully, not at all impressed by his cheeky grin. Her pen moved on her clipboard and she continued.

Shinobi regisitration number. _Don't know_.

Parent's name. _Don't know_.

Gender. _Male_.

Age. _Don't know_.

Place, date of birth. _Konoha, 16 January_? Doctor Misaki frowned harder

Address. _Uchiha Compound?_.

Blood Type. _Don't know_.

She asked more questions. About who is the current Hokage. Current year, The Elemental Nations, who was his jounin teacher, a brief history of Konoha, Uchiha's clan head, his favorite food and favorite color, and hobbies. It seems completely random, but she flipped papers after papers on her clipboard and it's his only reassurance that she knows what she is doing. All he answered truthfully, he doesn't want to risk of lying in front of a possible Ninja.

"Alright, Uchiha-kun. One last thing, what's the last thing you remember, Uchiha-kun?"

His current last name was said over and over, as if the woman is trying to remind him that yes, now he is an Uchiha, stuck in an unfamiliar-familiar fictional world. Thank You, Doctor Misaki.

"I was asleep." He said, struggling to form a sentence to not give away his last memory of his own world, but also worked on his favor now. He isn't lying exactly, he was asleep. "It was night, i was tired and i went to sleep like usual in my room." He decided, eventually.

Doctor Misaki leaned back, nodding. "Thank you, Uchiha-kun." Then she went on and explained that he is _Uchiha Kei_, writing his name in a kanji for '_Blessing_' and hiragana ke-i to show to him. She said he's eleven years old, a genin, he have a very rare condition called Haemophilia which made his bleeding very very hard to stop, he's currently in Konoha Hospital because a year ago, his team was attacked by Iwa in a C-Rank delivery mission, and she told him how it was a miracle that he survived from such head trauma and injuries with his Haemophilia, but he fell to a one year coma and just woke up roughly a week ago. Her language was very easy to understand, definitely a kiddie talk, but he nodded along anyways. She didn't say it, didn't say anything about his family, which means at some point they must have been given up on him and let him die on hospital bed.

He swallowed a slight bitter taste in his mouth.

"Would you like to see your medical profile, Uchiha-kun?"

"Yes, please," paused, "and my ninja profile too, if you can get it...?"

At his hesitancy or what she assumed was shyness, she nodded. "Of course, I would request it to shinobi registry table for you. I'm sorry Uchiha-kun, but it seems like you can't be discharged today. Amnesia, while not exactly rare within Shinobi ranks, but one like yours could be dangerous, and the danger is multiplied with this times of war. I'd file a report of this meeting, and a Yamanaka would be present at least tomorrow to do a final check, after that you can finally be discharged."

_A Yamanaka mindwalk_. He—Kei, he had to get used to being called Kei now—isn't stupid, she basically said he's suspected of being a spy, especially this times of war. Makes sense, though it made his anxiety spike up; what if he found his memories of the other world...? But no, it was empty. He was sure of it. It did puzzle him, but his own, _Andrew_ memory is not in his mindscape.

Sensing his anxiety, Doctor Misaki looked at him with sympathy, and then she smiled, "Don't worry, they won't hurt you Uchiha-kun. It's to protect our village, and they are very kind and strong shinobis."

Kei nodded, and with an advice to rest, Doctor Misaki was out.

* * *

Yamanaka Izuki taste like morning dew.

_Chakra_ has signatures; though it's more like feelings or tastes in his mouth. All medical staffs has a taste of something warm, like morning sunlight, and they are muted, quiet, controlled; forever a gentle, calming beacon. Shinobis have different feel; they tend to be more personal. Once a shinobi has passed his room and whoever it is has tasted like venom in sugar, something foul but sweet all the same.

This Yamanaka faintly tastes like blooming flowers, and there's something fresh which quickly slipped his mind once he focused on it. He smiled, warm and inviting while Kei stared. The mindwalker explained that he doesn't have to be scared (yeah, _right_) this is just a standard protocol, and _blah blah blah_. It's not like Kei can say no, so he obediently stared at the Yamanaka's pale green eyes as instructed, and suddenly he was standing in the middle of his mindscape.

The blond stood beside him, smiling, and said, "Please lead the way, Uchiha-kun."

Kei did, entering his house, showing a room of his memories from last week. Yamanaka whistled at his meditation and growing sensor because of it, "A very good job, Uchiha-kun. Very good chakra control."

The Uchiha didn't exactly preen at the praise, but grin he does. "Thank you. I tried very hard for it." He replied, smug.

They went deeper and deeper within the corridor, to more and more empty rooms. Kei shifted uncomfortably, reminded once again of the owner who was no longer here and wondering _how_ and _why_ is _he_ here. Yamanaka seemed to notice his fidgets, and he declared it was done.

Kei blinked and he was laying down on his hospital bed again, dizzy and definitely disoriented. He didn't register what Doctor Misaki and Yamanaka-san was talking about, lines becoming blurry but someone gripped his shoulder and shook him a bit, and his consciousness returns.

"I'm sorry," Doctor Misaki's face smiling sheepishly appears in front of him, "One last thing Uchiha-kun. Please show your sharingan."

_How the hell do i do that_.

There's a chuckle to his left and the Yamanaka smiles, "Flow a bit of your chakra to your eyes and imagine flicking a lamp on."

Oh. He said that out loud didn't he? Still an obedient boy, he did as was instructed—for all but three seconds he experienced seeing dust flowing down in slow motion, counting every strands of hair on Doctor Misaki's side bangs; slipping down one by one strand from her shoulders in a stupidly slow motion, the subtle shine on her cracked lips, prick marks on the shinobi's Jounin vest, subtle dents on his forehead protector's surface and every rings of hardened skin from callouses on his palm—he flicked it off again and blacked out with the following headache.

* * *

The next day, Doctor Misaki said he's finally, finally cleared to go. The Hokage ordered that he was detined from genin and his forehead protector was taken.

Kei managed to convince Doctor Misaki to simply give him a map of Konoha than accompanying him home. It was a lengthy conversations and he had to get his full power of childish whininess combined with his cheek to make the woman finally gave in. Doctor Misaki helped him put on his fancy kimono and tied his long hair to a high ponytail with a red ribbon. He found a mirror and wasn't only surprised to see that he is a small child, but also surprised because he is absurdly pretty for an eleven years old. His hairstyle reminds him of Neji in Shippuden, twin, long bangs framing his face, somehow making his sharp eyes even sharper. He is small, as exoected of eleven years old but he looks brittle, too. He... looks like a woman if not for this kimono.

But Doctor Misaki had called, and so he was forced to stop ogling his own face and body body.

He walked out of hospital with a stack of his hospital profile, Ninja profile, his sketch book and meds in a small bag. Kei couldn't help but think he looks like a tourist like this, using kimono out of its time with a map stretched open in his arms. A lot of people simply stare, especially the occasional Uchihas passing by, and Kei had always loved the attention people give; especially if it's dumbfounded expressions like now.

Uchiha Kei folded the map in a paper fan, hiding his smile behind said fan, and eye-smiling the entire way he walked to Uchiha compound.

The stares he got in Uchiha compound intensified. It seems like everyone couldn't help but to stare at least for five seconds before they pretended they didn't see and continue on whatever they are doing. Kei scoffed to his map, his grin turned sinister.

_Does everyone, _everyone_, in this damn Clan know about him and fully expected him to die?_ He thinks bitterly. Sucks to be them, he is alive and walking around with his funeral clothes.

_Ha! I lived, bitch!_

* * *

It's obvious that his Family wanted to leave him alone.

His house was empty the first time he arrived, and thus he had opened every room is this unfamiliar Japanese house until he found a painfully dusty one. Kei's feeling of bitterness had intensified and he had channeled his rage on cleaning his room and hauling his futons out for the sun. Organic sound effects like '_YAAAAAH'_ or '_OORRAAAAA'_ was gratitously given during the process. His clothes are thankfully fine, left a year in his neat closet. If he also had to wash his clothes with this spaghetti limbs after that very painful physical work out, he'll _scream_. He was just awake from a year coma, damn it! He shouldn't be working out!

After that he simply lay down on the clean floor of his room, under the sunlight filtering from the window, and started reading Kei's hospital file. There contained Kei's family profiles too, mother father younger brother which he didn't care to learn the name of, strangers as they are. He read about his Haemophilia condition in said file and couldn't say if it was wrong or not, but he knew it wasn't as advanced as what his best friend would rant.

His Hospital bill is... automatic. The hospital take whatever money needed for his treatments from the Clan's fund for indefinite amount of time, and isn't that weird? From what he understand, he isn't even in Uchiha's main house or first branch. His family rank is way, way off from nobility in internal Clan's caste. Though, he would need to visit library to learn more. Kei was pretty sure even main branch family, if injured, didn't have these kinds of allowance.

Evening came quickly when he fell asleep in a nap and dragged his futon back to his room.

Dinner. Well, dinner proceeded... weirdly.

He took a seat at the table when his family has started eating dinner without telling him. His assumed mother, father, and younger brother who looks like 6 years old didn't even pause at their conversation. He ate and still they didn't look his way, even when he stole his father's meat from his plate. The only thing keeping him sure he isn't actually a ghost is how the kid constantly glanced his way, torn between his parents, his food, and ogling Kei.

And because Kei is a little shit, he stood up and waved his hand between his 'mother' and 'father' who is talking to each other. They continued talking like there's nothing wrong, there're no hands flailing between them, even though the kid gape. So he continued by pouring soup to each of their rice, filling their bowl to the brim, sogging the rice; that did gave him reaction from his father in a form of twitching fingers. The man stopped talking, saying he is full of dinner, got up with his bowl of rice, and throw it to the trash can.

_Hmmm. Interesting_.

Pushing the reforming bitter taste in his mouth away, Kei returned to his room, already thinking of hypothesis, and he promised himself to go to library tomorrow. If his family is determined to think he didn't exist, that is fine. Two can play that game, after all, they are also strangers for him.

Good thing the original Kei had died then. This is too hellish for an eleven years old.

At night, he lay down on his futon while reading his Ninja profile. Team Five, he reads, was assigned to a _B-Rank_ delivery mission, coverage C-Rank, to Konoha Outpost near Kusagakure, and was attacked by Iwa forces in what he assumed remnants of Third Shinobi World War. He did remember reading Itachi saw Third War unfold in Naruto materials, and maybe this is it. Didn't Doctor Misaki said The War was finally _finally_ over in a pact a year ago? The mission was a success but Jounin Sensei Uchiha Kiyomi was severely injured in battle and did not manage to survive on the return trip, Genin Uchiha Mitsuri killed in action on the outpost, Genin Uchiha Kei—himself, he thinks—was injured and fell unconscious due to blood loss at the outpost and then during the trip back until he reached Konoha Hospital and fell to a coma, and Chuunin Uchiha Itachi called reinforcements and medical assistances mid return trip with his crow summon and brings his team back swiftly.

..._WHOT_.

Kei widened his eyes, abruptly sat down as he pulled the paper closer to his face. He read again and again the exact sentences that mentioned Uchiha Itachi, and then more, detailing Itachi's report in short sequence about Uchiha Kei's treatment and his first aid and then after that, detailing Kei's diagnosis, injuries, and conclusion that he was to be left alone. Even in this report he was expected to die, to his dismay.

But he digress. He—Kei—was in a mission with Uchiha fucking Itachi. Dozens of thoughts flew through his mind then. Itachi would certainly notice there's something very wrong with his ex-team member and he wouldn't be able to escape, is one of them. And it snowballs from there to other thoughts like interrogations, where the hell is Itachi all this time then, thoughts of accused of being spy or traitor, and even about Danzo.

And then another, important thought pinged in his mind; what does _he_ want to do? He thinks of going hom easily, of course; he hadn't been lying when he said his last memory was of himself sleeping in his room. He didn't know if he had died or not in his room, he wanted to return.

_But_.

He crawled in front of the mirror on the closet, looking at his reflection carefully. He always use this carefully blank expression when he thinks, and looking at it in the mirror make him uncomfortable in a sense that a child shouldn't be using this kind of expression. His thoughts was followed with, _the child is dead, probably, definitely,_ and then, _what did this child want to do_?

If he thinks about it, Uchiha Kei lived a hellish life, it seems.

It's as if his pretty face is a compensation for his life; for his family who doesn't care to see how beautiful their first born is, for a body gracefully flexible yet painfully a defect, for a Clan who refused to look at him, for trying hard to be a Ninja and fighting against his own body every day, for fighting against Doctors to let him be a Ninja, for something that resembled a family and his dream slaughtered in front of his face, fell to a coma and woke up with a body stolen by stranger, still in a world who wouldn't acknowledge his existence. At least he was no longer present for the last one.

He looked straight at the black eyes on the mirror, slowly touched the reflection as it began to cry in silence.

"_What do _you_ want to do_?"

The dark room did not reply him, nor the wind or the moon. He continued to cry, wallowing a life he never knew but sympathize with it all the same; for he is lucky to live in a peaceful world and loving household, the image of a child trying to get attention from his parents but getting ignored, a clan who couldn't careless... Then a team who died. That was so _fucking_ _lonely_.

In a minute, he wiped his tears.

Uchiha Kei had tried hard to prove to the world of his existence. And he had succeeded. He commended all his efforts, and shouldn't wallow too much on it, if anything he should be proud of the child who fought against his own body and the world alone, and winning. His room is bland, nothing indicated hobby or personal belongings other than basic ones like clothes. A sketchbook and some drawing pens from the hospital was all his personal belonging.

The child tried _too_ hard.

Children his age should play and be happy, and he decided, that's what he would do in this body. He is an avid Naruto fan, stuck in someone's body who should be dead. In his own world, those with Haempohilia never lived past twenty years old anyways, and in this world, his lifespan is even shorter; Uchiha Massacre is coming. If Itachi has entered ANBU then he has one year at top, and if he hasn't then he has two to three years before he hit the coffin. AND even without a Massacre he could get a stray kunai on the thigh with poison and bled to death all the same. Isn't that common? What are civilians in the otoritan village of shinobis, am i right?

Kei picked up his pen, opened his sketch book, and began to write.

**_BUCKET LIST!_**

In big letters on the up side of an empty page, doodles of confettis on either side of the words. Smiling, he began to write all the things he want to do in Konoha. Yes, he is a Narutoweeb. And he is now stuck in Konoha, and Kei needed more smile anyway, so here he is, planning his fun; having fun for the kid too, hopefully. At the end, he managed to full his page with list, grinning.

_Let's have fun for this two years, Kei_!

* * *

Gate guard duty is boring. It's basically an unofficial punishment for any Naras to get guard duty.

Itsuki Nara was about to follow his clansman who already leaned on the wall behind him and already asleep—with eyes open, that is. He knew Suyoshi was already asleep by the flow his breath on his chest. Itsuki slumped, doesn't even have energy to complain or sigh. He made a mental note to drag Suyoshi to buy him dangos tomorrow.

Lazily, he swept the streets again, trying to find anything for distraction.

Still, when Itsuki found said distraction, he was surprised.

An Uchiha kid is walking straight to the compound. He's using black shirt and black short pants, black standard Ninja sandals. Itsuki tilted his head a bit to look at the kid clearly; his movement stirred Suyoshi awake, and interest shine in his clansman's now awake eyes.

All Uchiha kids and members—Itsuki admits—are pretty, but this one. This one is _absurdly_ pretty. Her black hair was up in a ponytail, but it was still flowing straight to her back smoothly. Twin, long bangs of hair framing her angelic face and her smile made her sharp eyes sparkles, it's almost blinding Itsuki wanted to lean back and feign sleep. If he doesn't know better, he would have thought he's in front of a Princess or something similar.

"State your business," Itsuki said lazily, because even if he's lazy he would like to do his job right or Shikaku-sama would chew him out, that hypocrite.

The kid, who couldn't be more than eleven, pulled her hands out of her pants pockets; both he and Suyoshi minutely tense, shogi tiles surprisingly clattering out of her pants and then—

—She strikes a _pose_.

Her hands are crossed in front of of each other, in front of her chest. In each gap of her fingers was shogi tiles, fits snugly in gaps between her pale fingers. Some of the tiles shows kanji of its name, some doesn't, some upright, some doesn't.

"I CHALLENGE SHIKAKU-SAMA AND HIS FLAMBOYANTLY YOUTHFUL SON SHIKAMARU-SAMA!"

Suyoshi almost slipped. Itsuki stared. Damn it's a _boy _and he started yelling—

"TO SHOGI D-D-DUELS!"

Several Nara clansmen and civilian passerbys abruptly stoped and stared. To this Uchiha boy striking a ridiculous pose with shogi—_wait how did when did his hip went that way_—tiles in front of Nara Compound gates. He even sparkles—where did those sparkles and—_what the fuck are those _**_fonts_**?

And because they are united in a clan spirit, all of them think of the same thing.

_What the fuck is wrong with this Uchiha kid_?

* * *

List One:

\- Challenge Shikaku and Shikamaru to a shogi duel! _Scratch_.

\- Play shogi with Shikaku and Shikamaru.

* * *

A/N

I am overly fond of writing weeb characters doing stupid things in Narutoverse. I hope this will be more focused on crack and humor than the other one; which will be focused on occasional fights but mostly family feels. And i wish this will be short. Like 10 chapters short but idk i'm dumb at writing short. Also this one wouldn't be fighting if i can help it because if he bleeds just a little, he would die.

Thank you for reading everyone!

I hope you all enjoy this!


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